To My Flock, and the Flock-Adjacent:

For the past decade, I, @TheTweetOfGod, have been proffering My timeless words of wisdom and discouragement to you, my loyal Twitter followers, free of charge.

Now it’s time for you bastards to pay Me back.

On this page you will find a dizzyingly venal assortment of branded merchandise bearing My likeness and proverbs. Each item for sale was lovingly hand-crafted by a nimble-fingered Third World child before being imported and retailed by a shadowy multi-national consortium, so you can feel good about doing business here.

In keeping with the Catholic practice of “indulgences,” every purchase you make will soften My heart when it comes to judging your sins. In fact as a limited offer to mark the launch of this page, anyone who spends more than $20 on this site is hereby entitled to one (1) sin-free masturbation,* compliments of Thine Truly.

So if you’ve always dreamed of giving money in God’s name but could never find anyone claiming the authority to take that money, today’s your lucky day!

@TTO’G

*Just clean up afterwards.